DRAFT DAY DEPLOYMENT CANCELED: FIETZE CLEARED FOR SELECTION DUTY

Soon to be stationed in South Korea, Fietze confirmed that he’ll have access to his phone during the draft, meaning he’ll be able to make his picks live instead of letting ESPN destroy his season before Week 1 even starts. The update comes as a huge relief for the league, which was already preparing for the possibility of the first military-induced auto-draft in COACOWTB history. Instead, Fietze will be calling the shots himself, preserving the integrity of the draft and continuing his annual tradition of talking himself into at least one terrible pick he’ll spend the next four months defending. Sources close to the situation say Fietze remains fully committed to both serving his country and assembling a championship-caliber roster, proving that modern technology can successfully bridge the nearly 7,000-mile gap between South Korea and draft headquarters. League reaction was overwhelmingly positive, as some of the boys even grabbed a drink with Fietze at Shoyu after their hockey contest Though, a few owners admitted they were disappointed they would no longer get the chance to spend the season making fun of whatever roster ESPN auto-generated for Jack. For now, Fietze’s designation has officially been upgraded from “Out” to “Active,” though league insiders caution that his status as a questionable decision-maker remains unchanged.